"...bird poop, spiders, speeding cars and clowns."

At home, on my super awesome computer, I have a huge title that goes across my screen. I made it not too long ago. It simply says: "What is it that we fear?"

To anybody besides myself, it probably is just a strange vague question. I can see somebody reading this and saying: "Well, bird poop, spiders, speeding cars and clowns."

I try to think of it on a deeper level.

I want this question to drive me to explain to myself why I don't do things. By things, I mean, well, I'll put an example.

I know somebody I can help. I want to help them. At least something inside me is saying "help them." But for some reason, between point A and point B, that so-called 'desire' gets lost or something. No, it gets consumed by fear.

So then instead of leaving it there, not doing something and not asking why, I start to ask myself: What am I afraid of? What is holding me back from doing what I know I should do?

The honest truth is that we fear how people will react. It's natural for us to want to be liked. We want friends. We don't want people to hate us, think we're annoying, or anything of the sort. So if we're going to say something that we feel will be outside of somebody else's comfort zone, we hesitate. Their fabricated comfort zone suddenly becomes our fabricated comfort zone. We subconsciously make it one of those things we just don't talk about.

So, we become less and less active about reaching out each time we second guess what comes to us.

When I really think about it, it makes me laugh at myself. I think: "What, is he going to punch me in the face if I invite him to church?"

Or: "They're probably sleeping/busy/angry about something/tired of hearing the same ol' thing/whatever." Right. One or all of those things are always true... (Sarcasm)

To many of you readers, this might sound a lot like missionary work. Much of it is. I don't think they'd keep calling it missionary WORK if we'd stop being so afraid all the time.

Anyway, I've tried a little harder lately to just be prepared for anything and say it if I feel it needs to be said, or do it if I feel it needs to be done. It's actually really satisfying. The funny thing is, I feel more like I'm being myself. I also feel more comfortable doing it.

Maybe I should have said a few more specifics here. I have referred mostly to my attempts and fears at befriending others and also telling them about the Church and the Gospel I believe in. No, I don't want to force it down people's throats, but I love it and want to share it with those closest to me. Maybe I held back those specifics here because I knew that not everyone who reads my blog is a member of the Church I belong to, and that scared me. Hm, interesting.

Also...

Perhaps I've been generalizing too much in this blog. Perhaps this should be referring specifically to me and my own weirdness. But I don't think I'm the only weirdo out there.

I'll bet you're weird too.

Unusually happy...

Okay here we go again...

Another week gone and a new time to blog.

Today's blog will be slightly different than many of my other blogs. What I mean by that is that it will be a little more personal than most things I've written about before, with exception to writing about my brother Ben or writing about my missionary girlfriend Mary.

Aside from being downright exhausted over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed something else about myself. It's something not too extraordinary or out-of-this-world-weird, but it's a behavior change that has become a habit, or a consistent lifestyle.

Those who know me well know that I am usually pretty easy going and that I enjoy a good laugh. I'd consider myself a pretty outgoing fellow. Anyways, right after school started, I began to stress out a lot. Anyone who has worked full-time and gone to school full-time knows what I'm talking about. It's crazy. So I was getting very stressed out. I couldn't concentrate much at all and I just wasn't happy.

Lately, though, as I have previously mentioned, something has changed. I am what I call 'unusually cheery' considering the stresses of school/work/life that I have or should have right now.

Well, over the past 24 hours I have been thinking about the "why."

I guess what triggered my pondering was when I went to pay $139.00 to the Provo City Police Department for my speeding ticket I got a few weeks ago. I had to pay for my ticket and for traffic school, and it added up to that glorious amount.

So I walk in the building, and I'm sporting a cheap pair of sunglasses I found at a park in Provo during the summer. They are the 80's style shades, with black frames and hot pink sides. I've discovered how ridiculously good looking I am in them, so I can't ever stop wearing them....

Wow, tangent. So I walk in and I have to put all my metal objects in a little cup and put my backpack on the little conveyor belt x-ray machine thing. The security guard starts telling me how awesome those glasses are and that he used to wear them when he was my age and it was for sure "the thing." I'm glad I could take him on a retro journey with my stolen shades...

Then I go up to the desk and start making stupid jokes with the ladies that were working there. I'm asking about half-off coupons for tickets, or student discounts. You know, ridiculous things.

Then after a few jokes and laughs, I stopped and something hit me.

"I don't think I've ever been this upbeat while paying for a ticket before." That was only my second ticket in my life, but what I was really getting at was: "There's got to be a better reason for me being jovial right now. It definitely isn't this ticket."

So long story short (or a little shorter) is this: The only thing different about the me now and the me a few weeks ago has been my increased effort to be more spiritual. It has been an exceptionally slow process, but I have been patient with myself as I try to climb a spiritual ladder, striving for a higher personal plane. (plain?).

I 'blame' part of this on the classes I am enrolled in at the UVU Institute. I have been more opened to exploring, discovering, and pondering about the scriptures of God. And to say it quite frankly, I don't really care if you don't share the same beliefs as me, that's your right. But I have no shame in saying that I believe whole-heartedly in God and in His Gospel. My efforts to be more spiritual throughout my life have proven to be the 'molding' moments. They have shaped me into who I am today, and that is a person I am pretty happy with right now. Now, obviously, I say and do a lot of really ridiculous things, but I love to laugh at myself more than almost anything else.

But I'm happy. 'Unusually' happy.